As many times as I have been compelled to write lately, I just couldn't bear to write another not-so-positive message. So, with that said, I am here now to update you on my life in a more positive manner.
As I have mentioned in my Facebook updates, I went to Baltimore for one week to undergo testing and try to find out what exactly is causing the weakness and fatigue in my body. Since I have returned home I am still undergoing tests to try and find some type of diagnosis. I am very grateful to say that my brain scan came back normal. When I say that, I understand that it can always be worse, I have personally seen worse and I mean that with all of my heart. I truly cannot imagine "worse" after just living with the simple fear of what it could be, but I anxiously await hearing from my doctors about my abnormalities in my blood work.
Within the last few weeks, I have felt a little bit better, as a whole. My body does not feel so heavy… nor does my mind. I am currently waiting on a geneticist to overview my lab work and will have to see more doctors in the upcoming weeks... but as of a few weeks ago I have so much more hope for what the outcome will be. I feared being unhealthy. I feared fighting even harder than I have to do already. It is not that these are impossible tasks… but after nearly 8 years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication… I never could have imagined a doctor telling me that it's something more.
This year has been such a roller coaster where my life, love, and my disability are concerned.. a reality check to say the least. I have prided myself ever since my injury on my ability to not allow my condition to define me. I adapted very well to my condition… as well as I feel one could adapt. I lived my life as closely to the way I would have been had I not had my injury. But, the fact of the matter is I do not live the life of your average 27-year-old woman....ready to move on with her adult life… looking forward to being married and having children… not caring to “date” around and waste anyone's time. As much as I try to separate my condition from my social and personal life, it is merely impossible.
Dating is scary and general.... even for the average bear. The "getting to know you"… trying to impress... hoping you are everything that person wants... hoping that they live up to be everything you think they are... It's all just human nature… but when you throw in the idea that they may have to see you in the most vulnerable positions one can see another person and… to know that in order to be in a normal relationship they will have to assist you in the most humiliating things like going to the bathroom or dressing, etc... dating might get a little scarier. I was a confident girl leading into my accident… my whole life really... so it took me quite some time post-injury to really let these insecurities get the best of me. It really started to take over when I started struggling more with the setbacks that I’ve experienced in recent time. Along with my physical state,I was often feeling depressed, numb (emotionally as well...), and completely out of control of my emotions and mentality, which is something I've no consistently experienced throughout my entire journey. I was in a new relationship when these setbacks were first approaching last year (2012)... I am not sure exactly when they began to be honest… but maybe this was the first time that it mattered? I noticed that I was breaking plans… and avoiding furthering my relationship... not because I was afraid of what I was feeling… but because I was afraid of what I was feeling and the way the I was acting would do to him. And to be quite frank, there were moments when I couldn't feel. I found every reason why it wasn't able to work at that time… and let go. I later regretted my decision as I feared I would, but at the time I felt there was no other choice.
I had suddenly become extraordinarily aware that I am different... that it isn't always convenient to be that person for me... that I cannot show my love and affection in all of the same ways the average girl can... and there are certain times when it is very difficult for me to even consider burdening that aspect of my life upon another person. It isn't that I believe that it is too difficult… but I do understand that it isn't a common thing for people to desire or care to be in a relationship where one carries that extra responsibility. My insecurities have kept me from allowing myself to randomly date… and has caused me to push away someone I love very much. Fortunately, I have, in the last year, come to terms with the fact that I have experienced not only physical setbacks throughout my battle with my injury, but mental and emotional.
I have great big dreams for my life as I've mentioned before, and I will do what it takes to get myself in the right place so that I am more prepared to take those steps in my life, despite my condition. I have recently decided to make a couple of changes in my life… because there are some things that can be controlled and one of those is the willingness to better yourself. As I have reflected on the last year... the following are some of the things I have learned:
-I may have experienced physical and emotional loss, but I’ve realized each time I lose, I also gain. Although I suffered from my losses, I became more aware, more accepting, more appreciative and I feel indefinitely stronger for not completely losing sight of my dreams, even in the darkest moments when I felt they were impossible. I have also "found out who my friends are"… or maybe I've just been reminded. It is no myth that you will become aware of these things in your darkest of times. I am truly blessed and will never take that for granted.
-I want to learn more about the Lord and build a closer relationship with him. In my deepest struggles, and especially in other's, he is who I turn to. I admit I do not always feel worthy, due to lack of effort in learning and accepting on my part. I’ve also never consciously allowed myself to fully place anything in his hands, but as I reflect on the moments where I lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, I believe in my heart that he gave me a sense of hope and strength.
-I will, for the first time, establish a counselor. After my emotional struggles this past year, and my acknowledgment that I need some sort of guidance as to how to deal with my condition and intimate relationships, we have found a Psychologist who deals strictly with victims of traumatic and chronic injury. Before now, I knew I had a grasp on my wants and needs and desires and choices... but at this point I need a little guidance in how not to throw that hold away. I have to assume that one day there will be a balance between my acceptance of myself and someone else's acceptance of an unordinary situation, understanding and patience. Until then I will continue working hard to get back to where I was and working extra hard on accepting myself for all I am worth and being able to give all of the love that I have that to someone else... because contrary to what some may believe, it's a lot of love. That's one of the few things I take pride in.
-Being too prideful is unappealing and being emotionally vulnerable is the only way to be honest with yourself and anyone else. And honesty is certainly the best quality... truth brings peace.
-Life’s too short.
-Life’s too short.
I learned a lot throughout this journey but it seems even more so in 2012, and though it might have been a troubling year, I had some beautiful, beautiful times, and hope that my lessons carryover to enhancing my life in 2013. If anything is for certain, I remain standing tall in my belief in myself, my strength, my character and my big, big love for all of you!